i always wanted to find you waldo
but not like this
not like this
there is something distinctly thrilling and beautiful about waking up in the middle of the night to find that you are still held in his arms. something about curling into him, putting your head on his chest and floating softly back to sleep to the rhythm of his beating heart.
there is something astutely odd about being awoken the next morning to kisses planted softly on your cheeks. by 2 rough arms grabbing you into a tight hug and forgetting to take a breath. something about learning each other in the night, loving sweetly in the morning.
there is something strangely satisfying about the thought of keeping him a stranger. a lover in the night. away from your friends and family who will detract from his light. he’s better as a thought anyway. he exists in his own world, one he invites you into ever so often, if you brought him into yours its as if he might fall apart.
This will be the first Christmas of divorce. and who knows if i’m ready for it. it’s funny that i almost got left behind, lost in the shuffle. Mom thought dad was going to have me, dad assumed mom would take me, big brother is off making a family of his own. 19 year olds need custody agreements too. so someone would have to have me. luckily it wasn’t too hard to guilt my grannie into buying me a $800 last minute plane ticket to California, so that i can be with my grandparents and dad and cousins and uncles. being with just mom would probably just make me depressed anyway.
i want to travel the world and eat fancy foods. i want to smoke cigarettes while i count stars. i wanna sip coffee in a cafe in Paris and wear long flowing dresses. i want to meet Irish men in a pub who can teach me how to laugh for real. i want to rediscover my faith on in the alps. i need to see the world beyond the navy and plaid halls of the prison they call a school. i want to run fast through fields of flowers and never stop. i want to feel alive for once in my life.